The English Major's Revenge

This may or may not be the single greatest Facebook conversation ever:

The King, or Just A King — Because Human History Is Like That

Nobody listens to Elvis anymore. When was the last time you heard his music on the radio? A full song of his? Or in a movie not set in the 1960s — or even one set in the 1960s?

He used to be called the King.

PHOTO: Submitted Without Comment

A Letter To My Congressmen

NOTE: After sending the following letter to my dear congressman, Daniel Lipinski, I figured I would share it with you, World.

Greetings Mr. Lipinski! (Or, more than likely, his intern or assistant! Greetings to you too and thanks for taking the time to read this.)

Let's get down to brass tax here: SOPA and PIPA. They're silly. Let's be honest about that.

I mean seriously, this is like that story of when the candlemakers in France went the the French government with a protest against the sun. Except, in this version of the story, America joins an illustrious list of countries who block IP addresses and censor the Internet.

I would happily name the author of that story and the title of it -- he's a famous French economist -- but Wikipedia is down, so all my stupid little inquiries like that go unfinished.

I have a master's degree in economics -- it gives me a slightly heightened ability to sniff where the political capital is coming from. In this case, we have American businesses unwilling to admit the internet has vastly changed their business model, so they have turned instead to you, dear representative, in hopes you and your kindred politicians will lend an ear where the markets have ignored them.

It is as though I discover the kid next door has stolen my One Great Joke and is telling it in a similar fashion to the other kids, making them laugh and love him -- so then I dash to my mother, saying through my tears, "Intellectual property is one of America's chief job creators and competitive advantages in the global marketplace, yet American inventors, authors, and entrepreneurs have been forced to stand by and watch as their works are stolen by foreign infringers beyond the reach of current U.S. laws."

Intellectual property law may be more stringent in America than any other country, but I would hardly name it as one of our "chief job creators" or "competitive advantages." Yeah, some companies come to America to invent because they have the assurance the American government will watch their back -- but how will shutting down icanhascheezburger.com help that cause?!

Look, you and your interns are crazy busy, so I'll wrap this up. PIPA and SOPA not only put us in some stupid international company (Iran, North Korea, China -- countries that block foreign IPs), they also undermine America's REAL competitive advantage: Innovative businessmen.

If we reward the recalcitrant because they complain, then the market for new ideas shrivels and dies.

Don't kill ideas. Murder is bad for re-election.

All the best,

Brad

Night Stroke

OBSERVE: Image of wife (and self)
presently NOT have a night stroke.

At around 1 am this morning, I woke up to find the prison gala in my tummy had turned into a prison riot. Shooting out of bed, I trundled off to the bathroom with my laptop in tow. The gastronomic event left me wide awake, so I spent the next two hours regretting my dietary choices and finishing up some baseball writing and editing work.

Afterwards, I stealthily waddled back to bed, but as I quietly lowered myself onto the screeching mattress coils, my wife somehow woke up.

"I'm having a lot of problems," she confided in me and now I report to you, dear Internet. "I'm cold, but I keep sweating."

Obviously, my first thoughts were: She's turning into a zombie. Where are my quickest exists?

"Shall I turn the fan on?" I asked all Snidely Whiplash style.

See, we have an ongoing debate in the house. I'm a noise-sleeper — I need a dose of white noise and sometimes a little air current in my face so I can fall asleep. Jamie, on the other, says winter is no time for a fan to be blowing full power in the middle of the night. Obviously, I'm in the right here, so I like to remind her occasionally.

"No." She rolls over and readjusts her blanket arrangement. "I'm sweating, but I'm cold."

"That makes no sense," I say, again trying to get a little rise out of her. She sounds tired, but relatively coherent.

"Well I just need to turn the easel around. It's facing the other way."

Silence.

"What?"

The Median Duration Of Unemployment

Technically, I'm not a component in that figure. I'm not really unemployed — though I draw unemployment — I am actually what economists and wordsmiths-in-the-know call underemployed. I actually have three jobs, and, combined, they still leave me well beneath the American poverty line (not be confused with the international deep poverty lines).

Anyway, the median worker — median because it's less tail-biased than average — has been looking for a job for about 22 weeks before finding employment. That's about 5.5 months.

Which is a bummer.

Crazycarlcat Luvs Hair Ties

Brilliant stuff. Janelle's got a new crazycarlcat post up and it's righteous. Of particular brilliance is this cat-featuring daguerreotype, both fuzzy and most flattering: